I've fallen

I've fallen deep like my brother Holden. He made it out. I can't. I'm sorry.

Goodbye

Pain

Sometimes I cry, sometimes I laugh, sometimes I...hate myself, I honestly do.

I don't know why. I feel people hate me, I feel people stay away from me for some reason I can't quite understand. I just don't know why. My brain shuts down, I get violent (with myself) and I don't know what to say, do, or where to go. What did I do to deserve this? I don't understand and I never will. What went wrong? Will I ever get out? 

Process has began...know it's up to me to know when to stop....

That is the truth I tell you...

Kids

I simply don't get it. I really can't find one good reason to understand this...my brain won't process this information.

Get this, my nieces are my biggest passion, I love them like they were my own kids, especially because I might not be able to have kids, anyway, my mother and I have been raising two of my nieces (my eldest brother's daughters) since they were weeks old. They are who and what they are now thanks the the education we've given them, they spent almost twelve hours a day with us, except for weekends. The thing is...why on earth is my sister-in-law keeping them away from us now? She, by her own will, decided to keep them in school for extra-time instead of them coming home to us, like usual. 

The point is: some people do use us...some people do bite the hand that fed them...some people are just worthless pieces of crap who think they are better than you. I can't really understand why. I've always pushed the kids to become smart, teach them things, make them want to learn and want to be full individuals. They were always fed and well taken care of. There are not many schools willing to teach your kids astronomy, biology, history...that kind of crap! My nieces are the smartest kids I know! They use BIG WORDS because I taught them! I have ABSOLUTELY no idea of what is going through her head. I mean... I do have some sort of idea, but I so wish it were a lie...I won't even pay much attention to it. You see...she comes from a rich family, and we were always seen as the newly rich (not anymore lol not anymore). Our money was worth something back then, but now? She's ashamed of us, she pretends not to see us when our paths meet. We were NEVER invited to my brother's house for one stinking meal, while her family is always there, they practically live there... I simply don't get it. Where did we go wrong? I mean, when my brother and her were boyfriend and girlfriend and her family was against their relationship WE were good enough to support and help them. Now we're just crap, not good enough to help, not good enough to do...anything at all...

We are crap...

That is the truth, I tell you.

First day

What is the truth?

–noun, 

1.

the true or actual state of a matter: He tried to find out the truth.

2.

conformity with fact or reality; verity: the truth of a statement.

3.

a verified or indisputable fact, proposition, principle, or the like: mathematical truths.

4.

the state or character of being true.

5.

actuality or actual existence.

6.

an obvious or accepted fact; truism; platitude.

7.

honesty; integrity; truthfulness.

8.

(often initial capital letter) ideal or fundamental reality apart from and transcending perceived experience: the basic truths of life.

9.

agreement with a standard or original.

10.

accuracy, as of position or adjustment.

11.

Archaic. fidelity or constancy.

Have you ever heard so many versions of the same story that you simply don't know which one to believe? I'm there right now. Here I am, trying hard to study and focus on my books so I can finally finish college and start a higher level of education. My mother just opened my bedroom door to tell me not to trust one of my aunts. You see...the problem is, I'm slowly starting to realise I can't trust a single person in my family and it is extremely painful and depressing to go through that mental process. Well, in order for you to understand, we need to go back in time a little.

My family is quite big and since my mother only has sisters and women simply aren't able to get along (they always have to be doing something sneaky and hiding the knives with which they stabb each other's backs) there is always a lot of drama. I have this aunt, you see, she's a real pain, she just makes up stories and lies and, well...she tells one sister the other sister said something about them, blah blah blah, that kind of person. Well, this woman has just turned the household into a battlefield. It's like...she throws smoke grenades at us, we can't see where we're going and endup hitting another person in the dark or simply fall flat on the floor and hurt ourselves. 

Now that I've explained a little of this background issue, let's get back to the present. You see...I suffer from depression, I've been like that since I was 16 years of age and it just seems to come and go. From that I hope you understand that people with severe depression don't have much of a self-esteem thing going on, and I don't, it's non-existent in my vocabulary. Ok, having said that, try to imagine a person trying to study, being extremely depressed, tired and not very confident, now add the new element: finding out that your favourite aunt, the only aunt you thought you could trust said the most awfull things about you and won't even answer the phone in order to be confronted to see if it is really true. Now place it in the oven for 1 hour and let it cook. That's how I feel. Every single time I am trying really hard to achieve something (it's always a bumpy road)...just as I am about to get to the finish line this HUUUUGE rock falls right on top of me, and I have to figure out how to get out and finish the race by myself. The problem now is: I am exhausted, I'm too tired and for the first time I really don't want to get out from under the rock. I simply don't. The worst that can happen is losing the race! And I don't know if I care enough about it anymore.

That's the truth I tell you...nothing but the truth...so help me..someone..